Shame is a touchy subject in my life. I have carried shame on my shoulders since I was 11 years old. It was around that age that I began looking at porn. Nothing or no one led me to look at it, I was just a curious little girl who happened to click on the wrong link.
Back then, I was not saved. However, I was still full of shame because it was unheard of for a woman to look at porn. After I received Christ, when I was 15, a completely different shame came over me.
How could a CHRISTIAN WOMAN look at such vulgar material. Only men struggle with that. You are supposed to be a Christian. You are not supposed to watch stuff like that.
Those thoughts went through and are still going through my head. It took me 14 years to admit I was a porn addict, but it also took me 14 years to realize I do not have to do this alone.
There are very few people who know about my addiction because I was so ashamed and afraid to tell anyone, even my family. Porn is one of those things you can do in private, and no one would ever know just by looking at you. Unlike other addictions (alcohol, drugs, food), porn is easier to hide on the outside, but it does more damage on the inside. Due to my damaged insides, I felt hopeless for so long. I did not think I could ever get over this one hill. If I could just win this one battle, I could do anything. I then began to get angry. I was angry at myself and God. I was angry at myself because I could not stop, and I blamed God for allowing this in my life.
Then I heard God speak, “You have free will. You chose to look at it; you chose to continuously choose porn over me.”
That shook me up. I did not want anything getting in the way of my relationship with God, yet I kept choosing this sin over Him, time and time again. Yet, each time, He would speak to me gently and welcome me back in His love. That night, I made a choice to choose Him every time.
“The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need.” Psalms 23:1 (GNB)
I started going to a group after that, but I still carried a dark cloud of shame because I knew I would be the only person in my group who struggled with porn. As a woman, it was embarrassing, but as a Christian, I knew they would welcome me with open arms. I did not speak about my addiction for a while, but when I did, they told me how they prayed for someone who would open that door to help other women with the same issue. Ladies, that door is open, and the conversation is on. It does not matter what sin you go back to again and again, there is no shame or condemnation in Christ.
The God of many chances is calling your name, and He is calling you out of your sin, addiction, guilt and shame. There is nothing you have done, are doing, or going to do, that will change God’s mind about how much He loves you. Drop those shame chains and run freely to the love, strength and freedom God has for you.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” Ephesians 6:10 (NIV)
Although I still struggle with porn today, it is easier to fight back with God as my strength and with the women who are surrounding me. Do not fight this fight alone. Call on God’s strength and get a rock solid support system. Your freedom is waiting.
“Freedom is what we have — Christ has set us free! Stand, then, as free people, and do not allow yourselves to become slaves again.” Galatians 5:1 (GNB)