Have you ever been right on the cusp of something?
Right on the brink of breakthrough?
A road block, an unexpected bolder, comes between you and your dream, your promise, and that thing you have longed for for so long?
I have been there.. far too many times to count.
Waiting has at times been the first symptom of me falling into a pattern of depressed thoughts. I would think maybe God loves the girl next to me a little bit more.
This is not true, but it can really, really feel this way at times.
I had marked June as the month of promises in my mind because that is what I thought God was telling me.
When I found out it was my month of promises, I wanted to strive to make all those things I have waited so long for come to pass. This left me feeling anxious, running out of breath, and confused as to why I could not make anything happen.
God is full of infinite wisdom. I am so thankful that He is not confined by time nor space and that He protects us from things we cannot handle when they are not in the proper season or not right for us at all.
In the midst of my anxiety and my own efforts, I became hopeless. It was not the normal hopelessness that leads to moping around and believing God had no plan for me, but it was a hopelessness that made me cry out to God like never before.
I confessed to Him,
“I don’t believe in your promises because they have not manifested in my life. Because of unbelief in that area, I get anxious and want to know the end result of everything. When I grow tired of anxiety, I cut the cord to what I don’t know the answers to and try to heal from my own self inflicted wounds of unfulfilled expectations. Then I find myself on the same vicious cycle of trying to rush the healing process and repeat the cycle in another situation in my life.”
This freed me in a way that I never knew existed. I could feel in my spirit how happy God was that I brought my truth and shattered heart to Him to heal and to nurture.
Living a life of a repeated pattern of depression when things do not go my way or the way I expected is a hard one to break.
I have once heard of waiting as “a long now. While waiting could end tomorrow or ten years from now, it is still a long now.
Instead of throwing a fit about how long I have waited or how much longer I have to wait, I am now focusing on the long now that allows God to work on me and heal me from the inside out.
We have never arrived or ever gotten too mature in the Lord that will make Him not want to continue to mature, deliver, and heal us.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6 (NLT)
So June did not turn out like I had expected, but I can now say it turned out even better!
I had long ago prayed that I would be different from the past generations in my family. I prayed that I would not fall into the same patterns and traps in my life as other family members. I prayed that I would set a new standard and that I would not pass certain things along to my one day children and grandchildren.
God has answered that promise in freeing me from a cycle of hopelessness that led to depression. I will no longer pass this onto my children.
Not to long ago, I received a prophetic word that blessed me that I want to share with you.
“I see you being a legacy changer. I feel like you are changing legacy in your family. You’re saying the ball stops here and from here on out your generations, your legacy is going to be so highlighted in your life. You are going to leave a legacy for your children, and I just see generations of generations of generations passed from you. It’s like God is setting a new course for the generations. Generations that will know the Lord and will walk with Him and that would just be set apart.”
I hope that word blessed you as much as it blesses me. You may be in a long wait right now, but I want to encourage you to see what God is doing right now and what dreams He is making come true no matter how big or small they may seem.